Well, Folks this is my first post here on Kettle Meddler- a home for beloved recipes, food-related musings, and the occasional ideological vitriol.

Woman in audience: Did she just say ideological vitriol?  On a Food Blog? Is she crazy?

For those of you not yet aware:  Yes, I’m quite mad.  Now shut up and let me write/cook.  It’s hard enough for me to think without talking, as it is!

THEME SONG PLAYS

Welcome to my Kitchen! Huzzah!

Thanks.  So what am I doing here? What’s the point of this?  Isn’t this entry supposed to  “create a mood”  and “brandingjargonjargonjargon”??  Well, yes,  I suppose so.  I have a few ideas. The rest is a bit muddy.  What’s definite is this:  there’s a dish for every occasion, and an occasion for every dish.  Gratuitous rhyming is also very appetizing.

(Gotcha!)

Anyway-  Sometimes, you’ll need to cook a bunch of food that will last the entire week.

Fat Guy: Giant pots of rice and beans? Ohhh yeah.

Other times, you’ll need a quick bite after work.

Wiry Blonde in pearls:  Pre-Cooked salad meat, anyone?

Rarely,  you won’t have a lot of time, but lots of money.

Investment banker: Truffle Oil! Expensive Cheeses! Aged Prime Meat! AND EVERYTHING IS ORGANIC!! OR BETTER YET, LETS JUST GO OUT!

Most of the time, judging by the typical DIY Foodie  (hereafter abbreviated as DYIF, for cryptic snobbery) ; it’s the opposite.  Pasta, anyone?

-Did anyone hear the sound of a shattering ego?  No, it wasn’t mine, I swear- but anyone who prides themselves in their cooking knows exactly what I mean.

Let’s not forget of course, the times when you- you generous, warMheArted Soul- want tO lovingly Care for tHose wIth allergieS or highly restricTive diets.

FLASHBACK

Daphne:  “Yeah! Let’s hang out.  I’d love to have you over for dinner!” So, You’re a celiac AND a vegan on a Candida  SCD diet?!  Bring it on, baby!

END FLASHBACK

This blog will be centered on making that whole agonizing decision process a lot easier.  We’re also going to touch a bit on the worst of predicaments: no time, and no money. This is where I have learned to live and thrive, without resorting to Ragu/Ronzoni, or as I like to call it, throwing my colon on the RR tracks.

Girl with powder pink nails: OMG. .. she said colon… GROOOOOSSS. AND THAT WAS A CRAPPY JOKE. OMG I JUST PUNNED…

Yeah, I did, and it was, and you did. Get over it.

Now, I’m not exactly a gourmand, but I generally do insist on fresh, good quality  ingredients.  I’ll bore you with why this is important in a later post.  (Enter Sandra Lee, patron saint of diabetes)  But given that you, dear reader, are standing in my kitchen, chances are you already know this. Chances are, you are a master of chopping, charcuterie, chorizo….Sweet! Wanna write this thing for me? Just kidding, I’d never let you do that.

Here’s what you can expect:  Food Food; Clear Instructions; Reasonably attractive photos. terrible spelling and punctuation.

:o)

What not to expect:  Long, intimately boring stories about my grandmother cradling me in her arms while she cooked each grain of rice individually for the family’s international pilaf festivale (deliberately misspelled for snobbery).

I also won’t post gently sunlit photographs of me holding a glowing Aryan infant, delivered via home birth among my collection of quartz crystals in an 18th century cottage I renovated using toothpicks and yarn.

(For the record, I’m a 20-something professional who lives in Queens and works full-time  in Manhattan.  No 18th century cottage, no Aryan child, and I’m out of toothpicks.)

Here at Kettle Meddler, the recipe comes first. While I realize this may deter people from reading the entire post, there could be worse fates. I don’t need you to hang on my every word, but please do  give me a holler if you like/hate something so I don’t need to explore my deep-seated need for external validation with my therapist, who will be returning from her 18th century cottage after she weans her newborn.

Hey, did I tell you she got me a quartz necklace? It’s totally part of this collection she has…

Now. As for the Candida/IBS/Vegan/SCD/Celiac recipe, try me.  I’ve got one in my back pocket, and I love a challenge. Many of the people I love and care about have dietary restrictions. Sometimes that person is even myself.  Despite my somewhat off-color humor I am genuinely concerned with making their culinary adventure at my home as exciting as possible. So, if you would like to shake up my day- feel free to submit your unique food preferences and I’d love to figure out something awesome just for you and all of your autoimmune brethren.

Warmly,

Daphne